William James' Second Account of a Deconversion (1901-1902)

for the first of James' accounts of deconversion (or "counter-conversion"), see this link 

From William James, "Varieties of Religious Experience" (1901-1902), pages 174fn

I add two other cases of counter-conversion dating from a certain moment. 
The first is from Professor Starbuck's manuscript collection, and the narrator is 
a woman.“Away down in the bottom of my heart, I believe I was always more or
 less skeptical about‘God;’skepticism grew as an undercurrent, all through my 
early youth, but it was controlled and covered by the emotional elements in my 
religious growth. When I was sixteen I joined the church and was asked
 if I loved God. I replied‘Yes,’as was customary and expected. But instantly
 with a flash something spoke within me,‘No, you do not.’I was haunted for
 a long time with shame and remorse for my falsehood and for my wickedness
 in not loving God, mingled with fear that there might be an avenging God
 who would punish me in some terrible way.... 

At nineteen, I had an attack of tonsilitis. Before I had quite recovered, I heard 
told a story of a brute who had kicked his wife downstairs, and then continued 
the operation until she became insensible. I felt the horror of the thing keenly. 

Instantly this thought flashed through my mind: "I have no ue for a God who 
permits such things." This experience was followed by months of stoical indifference
to the God of my previous life, mingled with feelings of positive dislike and a somewhat 
proud defiance of him. I still thought there might be a God. If so he would probably 
damn me, but I should have to stand it. I felt very little fear and no desire to propitiate him.
 I have never had any personal relations with him since this painful experience.

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